posted by Poolside on Nov 26
Great news, folks. Ever wanted to rent Miley Cyrus for your office Christmas party but thought she’d be too classy to show up? Well, Feliz Navidad, motherfuckers! Dreams do come true. The Houston Chronicle reports:
Tweendom’s reigning queen is the star performer at the Lanier Law Firm’s “Christmas Cheers and Charity” party. The annual event will be held next month at the ranch home of Houston lawyer Mark Lanier and his wife, Becky.
The family-friendly extravaganza boasts “Texas Bar-B-Q, fajitas and amusements” on the colorful invitation, which includes a pop-up Cyrus sharing the stage with a guitar-wielding Santa and singing elves.
Oh, wow, fajitas. Because those totally make it less creepy that a bunch of Texas lawyers rented out Miley Cyrus for their own personal concert. No, really, I’m serious. All you mothers out there, tell your daughters to never stop following their hearts because, one day, with enough hard work and mascara they too can wear a mini skirt and dance for Bob in Accounting. Don’t stop believing!
Photos: WENN
posted by Poolside on Nov 24
Like the strange warts you got from the strip club restroom, clips of Britney Spears’ new documentary Britney: For the Record continue to show up online. The latest features Britney doing an impersonation of her father/conservator Jamie Spears talking on the phone (via Us Magazine):
“This is my dad,” Spears, 26, says while pacing back and forth between takes of her “Womanizer” video.
“‘Britney, get your a– in here and sit down right there!’” she says, switching into a Southern twang. Jamie - Spears’ permanent conservator - spent most of his life in Louisiana.
“‘She don’t listen to me,’” Spears continues. “‘She screams at me, and she gets on me [for] screaming at her…you have to talk some f–king sense into her.”
While the impression is pretty remarkable coming from Britney Spears, I couldn’t help but notice one glaring fact. Turns out when Jamie Spears talks on the phone he disappears for an hour. Think about that for a second, he’s gone for AN HOUR. Who’s watching Britney? Although this does explain how she’s meeting men and why the pies cooling on my windowsill keep disappearing.
Video after the jump.
posted by Poolside on Nov 24
John Mayer was reportedly introduced to Jennifer Aniston’s father 75-year-old actor John Aniston Wednesday night. The couple dined with Jen’s dad and his wife Sherry Rooney at the Beverly Hills Hotel where the “Minstrel of Douche” apparently impressed Mr. Aniston, according to Star:
After starting with a round of cocktails, John and Jen shared a salad, followed by a fish entree. She was even seen feeding him a vegetable off her fork. As for the conversation — led by Jen’s step mom, who was much chattier than Jen’s dad — it ranged from music to… Tom Hanks.
“John spent a lot of time talking about his music philosophies — why certain decades have better music,” says the eyewitness. “He discussed his experiences with Aretha Franklin and made a joke about Tom Hanks.”
His nerves showed when Jen hit the powder room. John charmingly asked the table: “How am I doing?” Then cracked, “I am a wreck.” Everyone laughed and Jen’s stepmom, whom Jen referred to as “mom” throughout dinner, said, “Should we get our score cards out? Like on Dancing With the Stars?” John replied: “Exactly. It feels like Dancing with the Stars.”
When Jen returned, her stepmom outed John for being nervous and told Jen that he said it felt like he’s on an audition for Dancing with the Stars. Jen laughed and rubbed his thigh.
Afterward, everyone retired to the parlor for figgy pudding and a ribald game of Charades where young Master Mayer imitated the operation of the new horseless carriage. Huzzah!
posted by Poolside on Nov 22
Man, British people are smart. The folks over at BBC News made a startling discovery over the weekend: Karolina Kurkova doesn’t have a belly button. Wait. Women have belly buttons? When did that happen?:
Its absence was noticed this week when the 24-year-old graced a US catwalk for lingerie giant Victoria Secret. While most of us have an “outie” or an “innie”, Ms Kurkova has a smooth indentation (although sometimes a tummy button is airbrushed onto her photos in post-production).
Ms Kurkova has not spoken publicly about how she came to have a smooth navel, and all her agent will say is “she’s not an alien”.
Of course, this news would be startling if I didn’t just make a fascinating discovery of my own: Karolina Kurkova - has a face. BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA!
That’s how you report, my friends. That’s how you report.
posted by Poolside on Nov 21
Turns out “former” call girl Ashley Alexander Dupre isn’t quite done whoring herself out yet. In the latest issue of People, Ashley gives her first interview about being ensnared in the FBI investigation that led to the resignation of her frequent client New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. (Bikini photos added for journalistic emphasis.):
On the real Ashley:
“I am a normal girl. Everyone knows me as ‘that girl,’ but I’m not just ‘that girl.’ I have a lot of depth, a lot of layers.”
On not knowing who Eliot Spitzer was:
“Some guys, they want to have conversations and really get to know each other. With him, it clearly was not like that. It was more of a transaction. Strictly business. I was there for a purpose – not to wonder who [he] could be.”
On becoming a prostitute:
“This wasn’t any different than going on a date with someone you barely knew and hooking up with them,” she reasoned. “The only difference is I can pay my rent.”
On how her mother found out:
Once the FBI told her they were looking into one of her clients, Dupré says she was forced to confide in her homemaker mother, Carolyn, that she was turning tricks.
“It was extremely painful for her,” Dupré says, though “my mother wasn’t angry. She was supportive.”
- -
“This wasn’t any different than going on a date with someone you barely knew and hooking up with them.” - Ashley Alexandra Dupre, hooker, poet, dream girl.
She had me at “I was there for a purpose.” *sigh*
posted by Poolside on Nov 21
A recently bankrupt Suge Knight is apparently trying to sue anyone he can by claiming they caused him to lose his insanely expensive earrings. Of course, the thought that maybe he’s in bankruptcy court because his earwear cost more than a small house is completely lost on him. TMZ reports and, if I’m reading this right, calls Suge Knight a prison bitch:
Suge claims in his U.S. Bankruptcy case that while he was in custody back in 2005, he was passed around like a $2 whore — from Barstow police to the West Valley Detention Center to the California Institution for Men.
Somewhere along the way, Suge says his diamond stud earring was stolen.
Interesting, because Suge just filed a lawsuit against Kanye West, claiming West was responsible for another Suge earring heist. When Kanye was hosting a party in 2005, Suge was shot and his $135,000 earring was allegedly pilfered off his bleeding body.
On a related note, I’m suing Burger King for making me wait too long for my Whopper causing the loss of my 24″ solid gold penis. Its estimated value is $2.6 million after factoring in the mini-bar, laser-firing capabilities and all leather interior. I’ll see you in court. (Bring pickles.)
Photos: WENN
posted by Poolside on Nov 19
Britney Spears, despite being legally insane, went out on a date last night with a mystery man at Sur in Los Angeles. This has to be a kick in the birth canal for all the sane women out there who know that children aren’t an end table for your cellphone yet still can’t find a man. Ladies, I’m here for you - provided you don’t try to change me and make me wear pants. Can’t you just love me for who I am? *sniff* I’m going to my mother’s.
posted by Poolside on Nov 19
I imagine you could probably fry an egg on Benji Madden’s bald Elmer Fudd head right about now. These are pics of Paris Hilton getting cozy with her ex Stavros Niarchos at a club in Miami over the weekend, according to The Sun:
Greek shipping heir Stavros - who dated Paris in 2006 - made a beeline for Paris after they both attended the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in Miami.
A source said: ” Stavros looked thrilled to see Paris again and was spotted stroking her hair.
“They then looked deep in conversation.”
I know what some of you are thinking “Maybe they were just talking.” Really? Think about that one for a second: Who approaches Paris Hilton with the intent of hearing words come out of her mouth? I could go out back and talk to my garden hose for an hour, and it’d be a richer experience. (Read: I’d call him “Hosey.”)
posted by Poolside on Nov 19
Remember when Ashlee Simpson got pregnant, I’m guessing, at least ten years ago? That kid’s still in there. While taping an upcoming episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Jessica Simpson says her little sister may have to induce labor soon. People reports:
“They’re going to have to. It’s already developing really quick,” Jessica said Monday at a taping of the The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
Ashlee – described by husband Pete Wentz more than two weeks ago as due at any moment – has already tried other ways to begin labor.
“Different foot massages and stuff,” Jessica told DeGeneres in the show airing Wednesday. “I don’t know. I think she’s really just jumping around trying everything right now.”
Then again, look who the source of this information is. The day I take medical advice from Jessica Simpson is the day I end up performing a C-Section with a hot dog because “babies like mustard.”
posted by Poolside on Nov 19
Here’s a rare occurrence: pictures of Kim Kardashian wearing a bikini without a sarong. Seriously, you’d have better luck finding a four-leaf clover that talks and knows all the words to “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler - in Aramaic.
NOTE: Folks, we’ve got buttcrack. And quite possibly the lost city of Atlantis. I’ll keep you posted.
