Vegas Poolside Beauties

posted by Poolside on Oct 29

Hey guys, we’re looking for readers who would want to be on a panel to help us make sure the site doesn’t suck. All you’ll need to do is occasionally answer a few questions as well as report any issues regarding content or site performance. We simply want to know when we suck and when we’re doing a good job. In exchange for your help, panel participants will receive free gear, including a limited edition The Superficial hoodie sweatshirt to keep you warm during those cold winter nights when you can’t afford to heat your house.

If you’re interested, fill out the survey here and you’ll be notified via email within a week if you are selected to be on the panel.

posted by Poolside on Oct 29

If you’re wondering why Traci Bingham is popping up a lot lately, it’s because she’s currently starring on FOX’s Gimme My Reality Show! which is a reality show where contestants compete to be on, holy shit, their own reality show. I am nowhere near high enough to contemplate how that concept hasn’t ripped a hole in the fabric of space. Anyway, Traci stopped by Mr. Bones’ Pumpkin Patch yesterday where she deployed her sole campaign tactic/vocational skill: Pushing her tits together. Somewhere, Sarah Palin is telling John McCain “I don’t care if it makes the Baby Jesus cry, I am doing that shit tonight. Oh, hockey sticks, he flat-lined. MEDIC!”

posted by Poolside on Oct 29

Ali Lohan and her mom Dina attended the Animal Fair Magazine’s 8th Annual Halloween Pet Costume Party last night.

Based on a true story.

DINA: Okay, Ali, we’re going to a backroom now where you’re going to drink milk out of a saucer while a man hands mommy a stack of cash.
ALI: But, moooommm…
DINA: You will do it! You will fucking do it! They are not repo-ing my Lexus again! I refuse to show up at the country club in a rental! For God’s sake, Ali, I might as well shit my pants on the 18th hole! DO YOU HEAR ME? NOW GET IN THERE BEFORE I TAKE YOUR DOG AND DROWN IT IN THE TUB UNTIL HIS LITTLE PUPPY EYES BURST! AAAAAHHH!
ALI: Jesus. Okay.
DINA: That’s mommy’s favorite. Whiskey’s in my purse to take the edge off. Love you.

posted by Poolside on Oct 29

This is Christina Aguilera’s new video for “Keeps Gettin’ Better” directed by Peter Berg (Hancock), and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it’s no “Womanizer.” What it is, however, is a case study in how to shoot a video when your star still hasn’t dropped the baby weight: “Great. What can she do? It’s not like we can have her sit in a chair pushing buttons the whole time. Or maybe…”

NOTE: What in the hell is up with the “superhero” costume towards the end? It’s like she’s Catwoman’s retarded sister who’s always carrying a toy gun from the dollar store. Michelle Pffeifer is probably rolling in her grave right now.

EDIT: Embedded a new video. This is the “official” YouTube version - which means it’ll be pulled in about five minutes. Whee!

posted by Poolside on Oct 29

Nicole Richie looked uncharacteristically hot (for her) at the Carnival of Hope gala over the weekend. I say uncharacteristically because she usually looks like Gollum with tits. How she pulled off this miraculous transformation is beyond me, but I’ve got top scientists over at NASA looking into it.

UPDATE: Got a reply!

TO: The Superficial
SUBJECT: Re: URGENT: Nicole Richie gave me a boner, please advise

Perhaps I wasn’t clear in our last correspondence, so let me simplify the terms:

We make rockets go “BOOM” so Joe the Spaceman can fly to the moon.

I really don’t know how to make that anymore understandable without the use of puppets, so for the last time, stop e-mailing us.
That said, the bitch stopped doing H.

Peace out,

Dr. Scott Brooks,
NASA

P.S. QUIT POSTING ABOUT HEIDI & SPENCER!

posted by Poolside on Oct 29

According to Hulk Hogan, being locked up for negligent driving had a transformative effect on his son. Which is nice, since his best buddy John Graziano has just been lying around in a permanent vegetative state and hasn’t done a damn thing to increase his personal growth. See, parents? You can’t always judge your kids by the company they keep! Us Magazine reports:

Hulk says Nick has changed his life since getting out of jail Oct. 20.
“He was on a roll,” he said. “He was a young professional driver. He had the show going, and it all got real busy, and then when he went to jail, he got stripped of everything.
“He got stripped of clothes, of watches, he got stripped of his identity, and he found out what’s important in life,” Hulk added. “He knows what’s real, and what’s not real.
“And before he went in there, he was accountable, and he was responsible. And I think that’s what he found out in jail, the most important thing. He understands what is real life. You know, it’s about helping people, being positive, moving forward.
“He was a good kid before, he’s a great kid now,” Hulk says. “He’s not the same man he was when he went in there.”

Then Hulk added:

“But you know where he’s really experienced the most growth, surprisingly enough? His rectum. Yeah, no kidding. On the drive home from jail I thought we were being followed by a UFO, the wind was whistling through his sphincter so loud. I’ve been storing all my spare bandannas in there, which gave us an idea for a family magic act that we’ll hopefully be opening at the MGM Grand early next year. We might even get John in the act; it would lift his spirits, and he’d probably be good in the sawing-a-guy-in-half routine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I hear Brooke’s ass cheeks de-moisturizing. You know, a father’s work is never done, but it has its rewards.”

posted by Poolside on Oct 29

Lindsay Lohan is apparently denying she enjoys the sensual comforts of a lady despite the fact Samantha “Gargoyle” Ronson is constantly attached to her hip. The Sun reports:

But Hollywood insider Jo Piazza said: “Linds is adamant she’s not a lesbian and still loves men. She says Sam is the only girl she would go for.”
A friend of the star said: “She has been telling everyone she’s still into guys. She keeps saying if it went wrong with Sam she’d date a guy. She even flirts with guys when they go out.”

Like the old saying goes: “You can take the penis out of Lindsay, but you can’t” - no, that’s definitely not right. Hmmm. Okay, got it: “One in the hand is worth two in the fire-crotch.” I guess cause they melt, I dunno. I never read The Bible.

posted by Poolside on Oct 27

Jennifer Hudson’s 7-year-old nephew Julian King (above) is still missing after a fatal shooting that left the mother and brother of the Oscar-winning actress dead in their Chicago home. A suspect, William Balfour, has been arrested and reportedly was married to Julian’s mother (Jennifer’s sister) at one point. She is also believed to be missing. The AP reports:

Records from the Illinois Department of Corrections show Balfour, 27, is on parole and spent nearly seven years in prison for attempted murder, vehicular hijacking and possessing a stolen vehicle. Public records show one of Balfour’s addresses as the home where Donerson and Jason Hudson were shot.
The Cook County medical examiner’s office said autopsies for Donerson and Jason Hudson were pending.
Balfour’s mother, Michelle, said her son had been married to Hudson’s sister, Julia, for several years, but they were separated. She also said Donerson had ordered him to move out of the family’s home last winter.

Reports from neighbors say this is a domestic abuse situation that reached a boiling point and is basically a shitty deal all around. Hopefully, Julian’s mother fled with him to safety, and there’s a light at the end of this tunnel for Jennifer Hudson. Before I return to bashing celebs and penis jokes, scope out the pic of Julian above and, if you live in Chicago, give the police a holler if you know anything that could help.

Also, here’s a link to Julian’s Amber Alert case.

posted by Poolside on Oct 25

Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Hudson’s mother and brother were found shot in their Chicago home today, and her nephew 7-year-old Julian King is missing from the scene, according to TMZ:

Police are looking for William Balfour, who they claim could be with the missing 7-year-old. According to records, Balfour listed Hudson’s mother’s address as a place of residence within the last year. According to the Illinois Department of Corrections website, Balfour is currently on parole after serving jail time for attempted murder.

To all my Chicago readers, police are looking for a 1994 white Suburban with the license plate X584859. I included pics of Julian and the suspect William Balfour. If you have any leads, call the authorities and, seriously, DON’T BE A HERO. This guy is armed, dangerous and won’t think twice about shooting you. Be safe.

The Superficial sends its sincerest condolences to Jennifer Hudson and hopes to see Julian safely returned to the comfort of his family.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting Jennifer’s sister Julia (Julian’s mother) drove her bus shift today and hasn’t been seen since. Jesus. Here’s hoping this is the end of the bad news.

posted by Poolside on Oct 25

Shauna Sand once again exhibited unbridled elegance by busting out the clear stripper heels for another family outing yesterday. This time she went to the same Pumpkin Patch as Britney Spears where there were either some paparazzi left over or Shauna called ahead. I’m going with the latter judging by the shameless smiling, and shit, it’s Shauna Sand. Who’s probably the first person in the world to hear “Ma’am, Britney Spears managed to contain her cooch during her visit - and she’s legally retarded. May we offer you some overalls?”