posted by Poolside on Jul 28
Heidi and Spencer love to take everyday events and turn them into photo shoots so fucking retarded, you’ll swear you’ve been huffing paint all morning. Here some hapless realtor is forced to take part in their shenanigans. But, then again, this man has no soul because he later lied to TMZ about Mr. and Mrs. Cockweasel’s real estate potential:
So we thought it was a big publicity stunt, until we called the realtor who showed the property. Sandro Dazzan says they’re “serious buyers,” although he doesn’t think they’ll pull the trigger right away. Dazzan stunned us when he said they can afford the $12 million beach house right now, but that they’re “at least six months” out from being able to afford the bigger house.
Serious buyers who won’t pull the trigger. Interesting, Sandro. So, basically, Heidi showed you her boobs, and you agreed to pretend they’ve got money? Unless a commission shot out of her nipples, congratulations, you’re an idiot. The only way these two can buy a house is if you let them pay in forced smiles and chin wax.
posted by Poolside on Jul 28
Michelle Williams is dating director Spike Jonze. Spike is the director of the upcoming film Where the Wild Things Are and is currently getting his nuts kicked in for having the audacity to make a kid’s movie devoid of fart jokes. But at least he gets to have sex with someone who will constantly compare him to Heath Ledger. Wow, I really suck at cheering people up. Star reports:
“Michelle kissed Spike with a closed mouth on the corner of his lips,” says an eyewitness who saw the couple together the morning of July 2 leaving Spike’s Manhattan apartment. “There was definitely a little bit of caressing going on. She was clutching his arm. The body language was very romantic.”
Okay, I’m willing to believe Michelle Williams is dating Spike Jonze. They’re both weird; it works. But here’s where Star lost me: “Michelle kissed Spike with a closed mouth on the corner of his lips.” Who the hell talks like that? May I suggest a more believable dialog: “Tipping his top hat towards the lady, he offered his hand, and together they hailed a horseless carriage. Perhaps a promenade at the tavern would find this evening well. Afterward, sir and madam retired to their quarters for carnal pleasures punctuated with scones and haberdashery.” It’s almost like you’re there!
posted by Poolside on Jul 28
Kim Kardashian went jewelry shopping yesterday, and she has definitely moved past simple butt padding by going straight to shoving a sawed in half globe down her ass. Jesus. That’s not even hot unless I was a perverted cartographer. Which I’m not anymore ever since they kicked me off the “Map to Pussytown” project. That was my life’s work, you jerks!
posted by Poolside on Jul 28
Brooke Hogan really hates her mom. A months-old legal document leaked today that alleges Hulk was physically and verbally abusive to his wife Linda. Brooke signed the statement, but now regrets doing so after she “learned all the facts.” She says her mother pressured into signing the agreement, according to People:
Brooke’s rep says: “Brooke Bollea is distressed at the latest efforts by mother Linda to fracture the family. This time they let leak out an old document that Brooke signed filled with exaggerations and fabrications about father Terry’s behavior during the marriage. The months-old document was signed by Brooke at a time when she was upset with her father.”
Brooke is seriously grossed out by her mom’s 19-year-old boyfriend and the two are not on speaking terms. And to drive that home, Brooke then threw her mom under the bus:
“I love my mother, and hope to one day reconcile with her,” Brooke says. “But using kids as pawns in a divorce is awful. Every day my mother resorts to this kind of behavior makes it that much harder for us to ever have a relationship again.”
You know who I want to throw under a bus? The entire Hogan family. Also, I want the bus to constantly spray napalm, lemon juice and really pissed off wolverines. Just like the one I rode to school everyday until my parents realized, “Wait, school buses don’t play Iron Maiden and get driven by a guy in a bear costume.” Of course, by that time I was in college…
posted by Poolside on Jul 28
Angelina Jolie wasn’t knocked up with twins by way of Brad Pitt’s penis. Instead, she went with in vitro fertilization because nobody puts Angelina in a corner, not even nature! Unless nature looks like Billy Bob Thornton then maybe. Us Weekly reports:
“They conceived through in vitro fertilization,” a well-placed source within their camp tells Us. “They both desperately wanted more babies soon.”
The chance of having fraternal twins at Angelina’s age (33) naturally is under 1 percent; with in vitro, the chances are 25 percent.
The actress chose the procedure (which can cost around $12,000 a pop) so “she wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant,” the source tells Us. “She could just knock it out.”
Wow. Is Brad Pitt even having sex with Angelina Jolie? Or is he locked in a room every night with a copy of Gia and some test tubes? Some guys have all the luck.
posted by Poolside on Jul 26
Heidi and Spencer love to take everyday events and turn them into photo shoots so fucking retarded, you’ll swear you’ve been huffing paint all morning. Here some hapless realtor is forced to take part in their shenanigans. But, then again, this man has no soul because he later lied to TMZ about Mr. and Mrs. Cockweasel’s real estate potential:
So we thought it was a big publicity stunt, until we called the realtor who showed the property. Sandro Dazzan says they’re “serious buyers,” although he doesn’t think they’ll pull the trigger right away. Dazzan stunned us when he said they can afford the $12 million beach house right now, but that they’re “at least six months” out from being able to afford the bigger house.
Serious buyers who won’t pull the trigger. Interesting, Sandro. So, basically, Heidi showed you her boobs, and you agreed to pretend they’ve got money? Unless a commission shot out of her nipples, congratulations, you’re an idiot. The only way these two can buy a house is if you let them pay in forced smiles and chin wax.
posted by Poolside on Jul 26
Michelle Williams is dating director Spike Jonze. Spike is the director of the upcoming film Where the Wild Things Are and is currently getting his nuts kicked in for having the audacity to make a kid’s movie devoid of fart jokes. But at least he gets to have sex with someone who will constantly compare him to Heath Ledger. Wow, I really suck at cheering people up. Star reports:
“Michelle kissed Spike with a closed mouth on the corner of his lips,” says an eyewitness who saw the couple together the morning of July 2 leaving Spike’s Manhattan apartment. “There was definitely a little bit of caressing going on. She was clutching his arm. The body language was very romantic.”
Okay, I’m willing to believe Michelle Williams is dating Spike Jonze. They’re both weird; it works. But here’s where Star lost me: “Michelle kissed Spike with a closed mouth on the corner of his lips.” Who the hell talks like that? May I suggest a more believable dialog: “Tipping his top hat towards the lady, he offered his hand, and together they hailed a horseless carriage. Perhaps a promenade at the tavern would find this evening well. Afterward, sir and madam retired to their quarters for carnal pleasures punctuated with scones and haberdashery.” It’s almost like you’re there!
posted by Poolside on Jul 26
Kim Kardashian went jewelry shopping yesterday, and she has definitely moved past simple butt padding by going straight to shoving a sawed in half globe down her ass. Jesus. That’s not even hot unless I was a perverted cartographer. Which I’m not anymore ever since they kicked me off the “Map to Pussytown” project. That was my life’s work, you jerks!
posted by Poolside on Jul 26
Brooke Hogan really hates her mom. A months-old legal document leaked today that alleges Hulk was physically and verbally abusive to his wife Linda. Brooke signed the statement, but now regrets doing so after she “learned all the facts.” She says her mother pressured into signing the agreement, according to People:
Brooke’s rep says: “Brooke Bollea is distressed at the latest efforts by mother Linda to fracture the family. This time they let leak out an old document that Brooke signed filled with exaggerations and fabrications about father Terry’s behavior during the marriage. The months-old document was signed by Brooke at a time when she was upset with her father.”
Brooke is seriously grossed out by her mom’s 19-year-old boyfriend and the two are not on speaking terms. And to drive that home, Brooke then threw her mom under the bus:
“I love my mother, and hope to one day reconcile with her,” Brooke says. “But using kids as pawns in a divorce is awful. Every day my mother resorts to this kind of behavior makes it that much harder for us to ever have a relationship again.”
You know who I want to throw under a bus? The entire Hogan family. Also, I want the bus to constantly spray napalm, lemon juice and really pissed off wolverines. Just like the one I rode to school everyday until my parents realized, “Wait, school buses don’t play Iron Maiden and get driven by a guy in a bear costume.” Of course, by that time I was in college…
posted by Poolside on Jul 26
Angelina Jolie wasn’t knocked up with twins by way of Brad Pitt’s penis. Instead, she went with in vitro fertilization because nobody puts Angelina in a corner, not even nature! Unless nature looks like Billy Bob Thornton then maybe. Us Weekly reports:
“They conceived through in vitro fertilization,” a well-placed source within their camp tells Us. “They both desperately wanted more babies soon.”
The chance of having fraternal twins at Angelina’s age (33) naturally is under 1 percent; with in vitro, the chances are 25 percent.
The actress chose the procedure (which can cost around $12,000 a pop) so “she wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant,” the source tells Us. “She could just knock it out.”
Wow. Is Brad Pitt even having sex with Angelina Jolie? Or is he locked in a room every night with a copy of Gia and some test tubes? Some guys have all the luck.
