posted by Poolside on Jun 29
Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama is denying reports that he exchanges e-mails with Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett had told Politico that the senator responds to her personal e-mails and in one instance he referred to questions at a political debate as “silly.” I always pegged him as ROFL kind of guy. Anyway, Obama decided it was time to shut this crazy train down, according to the Washington Post:
But speaking to reporters aboard his campaign plane, Obama said the actress doesn’t have his personal email address. “She sent one email to Reggie, who forwarded it to me,” Obama said, referring to his 26-year-old personal assistant, Reggie Love. “I write saying, ‘thank you Scarlett for doing what you do,’ and suddenly we have this email relationship”
Then Obama put his hand to the side of his mouth and whispered “White women?” Which caused everyone to nod in agreement because it’s a fact them bitches be acting all crazy.
posted by Poolside on Jun 29
Bill Murray has quietly settled his divorce to wife Jennifer Butler Murray who accused him last month of domestic abuse, abandonment and drug addiction. She had argued his actions made their prenuptial invalid, but it did remain intact. Except that became a moot point because Jennifer was given three houses and custody of the children in the speedy settlement. I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure she just dominated Bill’s shit. People reports:
Butler Murray, 42, has been granted primary custody of their four children and will keep the couple’s homes in Hemet, Calif. and Sullivan’s Island, S.C. Bill Murray, 57, must pay child support and will keep other property in California, New York and Massachusetts.
Bill Murray must also pay Jennifer a lump sum. The Murrays signed a prenuptial agreement in which Bill would pay his wife $7 million in a divorce, and, according to court documents, it is still valid.
Bill Murray’s lawyers had no statement on the settlement. Though I’m sure Bill probably wrote one that said: “Leave me alone to my scotch, hookers and random bottles of assorted pills I stole from a nursing home. Also, buy Ghostbuster DVDs. Lots of them. I can’t even afford to go into Starbucks. I’m typing on my MacBook Air, stealing Wi-Fi from behind a dumpster out back. I am fucking POOR, MATEYS. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” On a related note, he is taking blogging lessons from Kanye West at L’Acadamie de Douche.
posted by Poolside on Jun 28
Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama is denying reports that he exchanges e-mails with Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett had told Politico that the senator responds to her personal e-mails and in one instance he referred to questions at a political debate as “silly.” I always pegged him as ROFL kind of guy. Anyway, Obama decided it was time to shut this crazy train down, according to the Washington Post:
But speaking to reporters aboard his campaign plane, Obama said the actress doesn’t have his personal email address. “She sent one email to Reggie, who forwarded it to me,” Obama said, referring to his 26-year-old personal assistant, Reggie Love. “I write saying, ‘thank you Scarlett for doing what you do,’ and suddenly we have this email relationship”
Then Obama put his hand to the side of his mouth and whispered “White women?” Which caused everyone to nod in agreement because it’s a fact them bitches be acting all crazy.
posted by Poolside on Jun 28
Bill Murray has quietly settled his divorce to wife Jennifer Butler Murray who accused him last month of domestic abuse, abandonment and drug addiction. She had argued his actions made their prenuptial invalid, but it did remain intact. Except that became a moot point because Jennifer was given three houses and custody of the children in the speedy settlement. I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure she just dominated Bill’s shit. People reports:
Butler Murray, 42, has been granted primary custody of their four children and will keep the couple’s homes in Hemet, Calif. and Sullivan’s Island, S.C. Bill Murray, 57, must pay child support and will keep other property in California, New York and Massachusetts.
Bill Murray must also pay Jennifer a lump sum. The Murrays signed a prenuptial agreement in which Bill would pay his wife $7 million in a divorce, and, according to court documents, it is still valid.
Bill Murray’s lawyers had no statement on the settlement. Though I’m sure Bill probably wrote one that said: “Leave me alone to my scotch, hookers and random bottles of assorted pills I stole from a nursing home. Also, buy Ghostbuster DVDs. Lots of them. I can’t even afford to go into Starbucks. I’m typing on my MacBook Air, stealing Wi-Fi from behind a dumpster out back. I am fucking POOR, MATEYS. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” On a related note, he is taking blogging lessons from Kanye West at L’Acadamie de Douche.
posted by Poolside on Jun 26
Katherine Heigl was spotted at her home yesterday getting ready to relax in her pool. Apparently she’s not done wearing a bikini, and God bless her, may just wear one all summer. In the meantime, why is she hiding in fear in her own house from the paparazzi? I don’t know about you, but if the paps were in my abode trying to snap a pic I’d come at them with something they’d never suspect: the whole fruit basket. I mean, these guys obviously braved the landmines, moat and T-Rex* to get a shot of your’s truly, so they deserve a glimpse of something awesome and possibly diamond-crusted. Wink.
*I have many valuables. (Read: Comic books and Swedish fish.)
posted by Poolside on Jun 26
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were in court today for a custody hearing that actually had a happy ending. Both were seen leaving the courthouse in high spirits. Especially Britney who now has overnight visits with her sons. Unfortunately, she destroyed both their beds using them to slide down the stairs when her dad wasn’t home. What? She doesn’t know how to work the TV. TMZ reports:
Sources tell us Brit Brit, who has been slowly gaining visitation back inch by inch, has made such progress the Commish agreed in court today she’s ready to have sons Jayden James and Sean Preston with her overnight. We hear Britney’s parenting coach Lisa Hacker was at the hearing today, and answered several questions from the Commish.
It should be noted that, in an unprecedented legal decision, Kevin was granted permission to arm Jayden with a gun during the overnights. At first everyone gasped, then slowly started nodding their heads when they realized it was actually the greatest idea in the history of law. As for Britney, she just sat quietly and ate paper from a legal pad. “Why doesn’t this taste like bananas?” she thought.
posted by Poolside on Jun 26
Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri has been arrested today on money laundering and wire fraud conspiracy charges. Raffaello was telling investors the Pope had placed him charge of the Catholic Church’s financial affairs which allowed him access to property being sold by the Vatican at “below market values,” according to official documents from the U.S. Attorney’s Office:
According to several witnesses, FOLLIERI kept various ceremonial robes, including robes of senior clergymen, in his office in New York, New York….. FOLLIERI had asked a monsignor who was traveling with him to change into the uniform of a more senior clergyman in order to create false impressions that FOLLIERI had close ties to the Vatican connections.
So, wait, religious people were tricked into believing something that isn’t true? That’s absurd. I mean, these folks are amazingly keen at determining what is real and what is entirely made-up fiction by some douche in a funny robe. Am I right? Also, it should be noted that Anne Hathaway is not being charged but was mentioned in the documents as Raffaello’s girlfriend along with the vacations he took her on using embezzled funds. Which means they’ll always have the memories. No one ever forgets having sex on a mattress full of hundred dollar bills and communion wafers. ‘Cause it’s crunchy.
posted by Poolside on Jun 25
After flying to Kentwood for the birth of Jamie Lynn’s baby, Britney Spears returned home Friday and was completely bombarded by the paparazzi at LAX. The situation escalated when one of Britney’s entourage start throwing punches with a pap, according to Us Magazine:
“Britney’s security was not equipped to handle the situation,” an eyewitness told Usmagazine.com. “It was mass chaos with photographers standing on the escalator with Britney and she literally had nowhere to go. Her bodyguards had no idea what to do.”
Even Britney Spears, of all people, was surprised by the onslaught of paparazzi. So, judging by her face, there was really that many of them, or someone unwrapped a McRib within earshot.
posted by Poolside on Jun 23
Contrary to legend, actor Steve Guttenberg (Police Academy) is alive and well. Oh yeah, and also roiding his freaking face off. Some paps apparently recognized Steve yesterday in New York, and he decided to thank them by going nuts on their camera. Looks like somebody saw the Hulk this weekend. Then, you know, took a turkey baster full of HGH to the colon. MAHONEY!!
posted by Poolside on Jun 21
Britney Spears is back home in Louisiana to be with her pregnant sister Jamie Lynn who’s apparently close to launching another Spears into the world TODAY. Yay. People reports:
After taking an early morning commercial flight from LAX, the singer, 26, touched down in New Orleans on Wednesday afternoon with her father, Jamie, 55, her brother, Bryan, 31, and her assistant, Brett.
The Spears clan then headed home to the Spears family Serenity mansion in Kentwood.
I can almost envision the whole birthing process now: A doctor bursts through the door of Serenity mansion, instruments in hand.
“Wonderful,” he says, “You’ve got the birth canal exposed. Fantastic. Let me take a look here-”
Y’ALLLLLL!
“Hell’s bells, madam. I do declare I thought you were about to give birth. My apologies. Would you be so kind to point me in the direction of the woman in labor?”
Y’ALLLL THE Y’ALLL TO THE Y’ALL
