posted by Poolside on May 29
Britney Spears made an appearance at designer Christian Audigier’s 50th birthday party and brought her agent/new man-toy Jason Trawick. You may remember him as the other gelatinous figure standing next to Britney during her Costa Rican getaway. Take note: This guy got an up close look at Britney Spears in a bikini and went “Hmm. How does one mount such a thing?” Answer: You don’t. It mounts you. ABORT!
posted by Poolside on May 22
Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty made a YouTube video together (after the jump) that can only be described as “WHAT THE DOUBLE FUCK?!” It’s essentially the two of them playing with, no joke, newborn mice and babbling incoherently. Though at one point, Amy uses them to deliver a message to her incarcerated husband Blake. BBC News reports:
“This one’s got a message from Blake,” she says. “Blake, please don’t divorce mummy. She loves you ever so. Hang on, my big brother wants to say something.”
Taking another mouse from Doherty, she continues: “Yeah, if you divorce her you’ll have me to deal with. I’m only a day old. I don’t know what I’m doing but I know what love is.”
If Pete Doherty, drugs and baby mice can’t save a marriage, then, shit, I don’t know what can. Oh, wait, yes I do: FUCKING THERAPY! Get some, lady. And tons of it. If you don’t think things are that bad, here’s a newsflash: Pete Doherty - not a figment of your imagination. Uh huh, that thing is real. Kind of blows your mind doesn’t it, Amy? … Amy? Are you even listening to me or just eating the china cabinet?
Thanks to Sexyonia who doesn’t think mice should be used as pawns in relationship drama. However, they work nicely on a chess board. Check, mate!
posted by Poolside on May 22
Katie has been blessed by Lord Xenu or Pizza the Hutt or whoever the hell Scientologists worship these days, and has landed a role in the Broadway revival of All My Sons, according to People:
Holmes, who had been reportedly in final negotiations for the part last March, will join John Lithgow, Dianne Wiest and Patrick Wilson in the revival this fall.
Holmes will play a woman who visits the family of her former lover, a missing pilot. It will be her first play since high school and Holmes will be on stage six nights a week.
Congratulations to Katie, it must be nice to get out of the dungeon. That said, anyone else feel like she’s probing your mind in these pics? If so, ha! Good luck, lady. Ain’t nothing in there but boobs, an episode of The A-Team and this one time I ate a really awesome sandwich then took a nap. Damn, my life rocks!
posted by Poolside on May 22
Fergie performed/butchered the Heart classic “Barracuda” this morning on The Today Show (video after the jump). Talk about insulting. It’s a documented fact that I heart Heart. Anyway, during the song Fergie decided to pretend she was fellating her guitar player which, you know, hey, that’s rock n’ roll. But, for the record, her audience was stocked with parents and children, I shitteth thee not! I’m sure lots of questions were asked on the drive home particularly the always awkward, “Mommy, why did that man dress like a lady and make the baby Jesus cry?”
posted by Poolside on May 22
About a month ago, Criss Angel decided to flip the fuck out when his girlfriend Miss Nevada didn’t win the Miss USA Beauty Pageant. Criss’ actions included pissing off The Donald and threatening respected reporter Norm Clarke of the Vegas Review-Journal. No one has asked his Royal Anus to comment about the incident - until now! Vegas Happens Here got a brief Q&A in with the illusionist:
Friess: Are you planning to apologize for the threat you made against Norm Clarke of the Review-Journal?
Angel: The problem is, some people got their lines crossed. And if some people got the whole story, they would see that what he wrote is actually not what really happened. So there’s nothing to apologize for.
Friess: What really happened?
Angel: I’d need a while to explain that to you and now is not the appropriate time.
But then, in a wicked display of cajones con queso, Vegas Happens Here calls out Criss Angel to settle this mess:
And yet in the face of such a PR nightmare, Mr. Angel — neither of his own volition nor encouraged firmly by the companies that have tethered $100 million+ to his mercurial persona in Vegas — bothered to issue a statement, do an interview, write a letter to the editor. Not only that, but he’s scolding “people” for not having the whole story when ample opportunities have been provided him to give it?
Hey, Criss. Here’s yet another chance. I’ve got all the time in the world. Whatcha waiting for?
Yeah, Criss, I’ve got all the time in the world, too. In fact, I’ve got too much time. So, I dunno, maybe you can come over and play some GTA or something. Just don’t steal my Star Wars figures to wear as a necklace because then I’d have to shoot a whale harpoon through your mouth. No, really, I keep one in the garage for just such an occasion. Thank you, Capt. Brian and your shady yard sales. Ha ha, next week I’m buying a sub!
posted by Poolside on May 20
It’s a documented fact that I want the entire cast of The Hills to get West Nile Virus in the face. That said, when one of them, in this case Audrina Patridge, slaps on a bikini I’m compelled by my dedication to science to post the above pics. Here she is on the set of her first film Into the Blue 2: Now With More Bikini!. After the film’s smashing straight to video success, you can look forward to seeing her next movie Jugsalonia: Starring Audrina, That Other Chick from The Hills with Fake Tits. Yeah, With the Wonk-Eye. God, I love cinema.
posted by Poolside on May 18
After a morning of heated political discussion punctuated with my undying love of Jessica Simpson’s breasts, I find it only fitting that I post something we all can agree on: Christina Aguilera and her ability to rule Planet MILF with an iron fist. Here she is getting ready to hit the club last night with her husband Jordan Bratsquatch. I also included shots of X-tina attending the Christian Dior event in NYC over the weekend. Just to emphasize the MILFy-ness that scientists are pretty sure can cure cancer. Or, at the very least, small pox.
NOTE: Does anyone know what egregious sin Christina Aguilera committed to get stuck with Bilbo Baggins as a mate? Did she pee on the Bible or, even worse, not do the laundry? Please, I can’t sleep at night until I know.
posted by Poolside on May 18
Jessica Simpson can’t handle her ex John Mayer hooking up with Jennifer Aniston. So, in a move that suggests a surprising form of intelligence, Jessica drank all the liquor she could get her big-breasted hands on. Nice! Us Magazine reports:
The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina on May 10 – which started at the pre-happy hour of 4 p.m. with BFF CaCee Cobb and her beau Donald Faison – that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home, Us reports (for good measure, CaCee Cobb threw up under the table); that same night, Us Weekly also reports that beau Tony Romo partied solo in Chicago and was overheard telling friends he was single again.
Okay, Jessica Simpson has a smoking body and drinks like a Fish (!). Holy shit, I couldn’t be more in love right now. And not just because of the ecstasy. Now excuse me while I hug all my co-workers starting with The Geekologie Writer who, dammit, just saw me coming and jumped out the window. Aww 
NOTE: Photos link to a catty tale of Tony Romo dumping Jessica before he tries to bang half of Chicago. Quasi-true story.
posted by Poolside on May 16
Jessica Simpson can’t handle her ex John Mayer hooking up with Jennifer Aniston. So, in a move that suggests a surprising form of intelligence, Jessica drank all the liquor she could get her big-breasted hands on. Nice! Us Magazine reports:
The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina on May 10 – which started at the pre-happy hour of 4 p.m. with BFF CaCee Cobb and her beau Donald Faison – that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home, Us reports (for good measure, CaCee Cobb threw up under the table); that same night, Us Weekly also reports that beau Tony Romo partied solo in Chicago and was overheard telling friends he was single again.
Okay, Jessica Simpson has a smoking body and drinks like a Fish (!). Holy shit, I couldn’t be more in love right now. And not just because of the ecstasy. Now excuse me while I hug all my co-workers starting with The Geekologie Writer who, dammit, just saw me coming and jumped out the window. Aww
NOTE: Photos link to a catty tale of Tony Romo dumping Jessica before he tries to bang half of Chicago. Quasi-true story.
posted by Poolside on May 16
Dog the Bounty Hunter is returning for its fifth season proving that America loves retarded Bible-totin’ racists - in leather. (Back me up, West Virginia.) A&E held a “carefully choreographed” press conference yesterday to announce its decision to return Dog to the air. The AP reports:
“It’s not about ratings,” A&E spokesman Michael Feeney said. “We know his heart. We know him and know he’s not a racist.”
Scott Lonker, vice president nonfiction and alternative programming at A&E, said viewer demand for the show also weighed in the decision.
Niger Innis, national chairman of the Congress of Racial Equality, said Chapman’s use of the racial slur was wrong. But he noted that Chapman “took ownership of the harm it caused” and “sought to turn his life around.”
Alphonso Braggs, Hawaii chapter president of the NAACP, disagreed, saying Chapman got off lightly for behavior that is “absolutely unacceptable.”
“If individuals see they are able to behave inappropriately with little or no consequence, they will continue that pattern,” he said.
While A&E played it close to the vest with its press conference, somebody should’ve made sure Dog didn’t send out press kits of his own. Like the one I happen to have in my shaky, caffeine-fueled hands:
Dear Viewers,
Dog here. Thanks for your prayers and support. I’m glad to be back making the streets of some random town in Hawaii safe for my wife and her tank breasts. For those of you worried about my unfortunate remarks and how they’ll affect my anti-climatic bounty hunting, fear not. I’ll be equally pursuing all criminals whether they be inbred white-trash, spooks, slant-eyes, heebs, wetbacks, and, the always elusive, Guinea wop dagos. Did I forget anybody? Awesome. Jesus loves you, everybody! Unless you’re gay.
-DOG
