Vegas Poolside Beauties

posted by Poolside on Mar 31

I can understand how Benji Madden managed to score Paris Hilton. I’m not going to get into specifics but, it’s because she has herpes. So how in the hell did he score a woman like Sophie Monk? She’s looking pretty damn hot while shopping in LA over the weekend. Maybe Sophie was on a year long drinking binge while she was with Benji, I dunno. But if she ever wants to fall off the wagon, holla at your boy. I’ll bring the homemade booze. What’s your preference, baby? Pine-Sol Colada or Lemon Fresh Pledge-arita?

posted by Poolside on Mar 31

Surprise! Heath Ledger might have fathered a love child. His uncle broke the news to The Daily Telegraph which will undoubtedly make the estate bickering even more of a fucking fiasco:

Ledger was a 17-year-old schoolboy when he had an affair with an older woman who is thought to have only discovered she was pregnant after their relationship ended. The woman was living with another man at the time of the alleged affair.
Yesterday, Ledger’s uncle, Hadyn Ledger said: “There is a very real possibility that Heath was the father.”

Man, I wish I had a love child. A new one, that is. I’m getting kind of bored with the 203* I currently have. Also none of them refuse to engage me in armed combat. I even taped daggers to their bottles but, still, no dice. Wait. Can a three-year-old shoot a crossbow? Nah, the flaming arrow would throw off his aim. Or would it…

*Give or take 203.

posted by Poolside on Mar 31

Kim Kardashian and her rag-tag bunch of family members stopped by Larry King Live on Friday. After getting peppered by Barbara Walters about her sex tape, Kim was ready for another awkward discussion about her nudity with the surprisingly alive. This time Larry brought up the topic of her shoot for Playboy. Kim said a bunch of words about something or rather, I dunno. I was too busy staring at the video of her getting ready for the shoot. Then things kind of went black for a while. I blame the fall into the next cubicle when I tried to mount my monitor. I should invest in some handlebars. I mean, I can’t keep doing this 10-30 times a day - before lunch.

Thanks to Lindsey who isn’t afraid to say Larry’s suspenders are sexy. Hell yeah!

posted by Poolside on Mar 31

Kevin Federline still has feelings for his vagina-flashing ex-wife Britney Spears. Could there be a reunion in the works? And, God help us all, another offspring down the line? Showbiz Spy reports:

“I still love Britney. She’s the mother of my children,” Federline, 30, said.
And Jamie Spears — Britney’s dad — is even reportedly encouraging the pair to reunite.

Ack! Britney’s dad is trying to make this happen?! WTGDF?! Seriously, if these two get back together you know she’s popping out another kid then going off the deep end. And I was really starting to like how things are now. You know, where I hardly ever see her face anymore. Do you know how hard it is to constantly type Frappucino? I had to hire midgets to move my fingers. True story.

posted by Poolside on Mar 31

Rikki Rockett, drummer for Poison, was arrested on rape charges for an incident that occurred in September at the Silver Star Casino in Mississippi. Rikki is out of jail and awaiting a district attorney’s decision to see if the case will go before a grand jury. The AP reports:

“The subject, Rikki Rockett, forcibly had sex with an adult in one of the hotel rooms,” according to a complaint.
Sciple said the woman contacted authorities several days after the alleged attack. He did not discuss details of the case, but said his office believed the woman’s complaint warranted review by the district attorney.

Did Rikki do it? Oh yeah. I mean, look at the guy. Not exactly a pussy magnet. Also he’s the drummer for Poison. He’d have better luck saying he still lives with his parents. It works for me. Okay, not really but, one day it will. As soon as my mom stops making me wear my retainer to the bar. I got a beer can stuck in it the other day for crying out loud. The ladies don’t want to make out with a face full of Beast Ice. No matter how much chapstick you cover it up with. (Read: two tubes.)

posted by Poolside on Mar 31

Ashley Alexandra Dupre’s business is booming. But this time not in her pantalones. Donald Trump has made an offer to Ashley for her to appear on a new untitled reality show set to air on MTV, according to People:

Based on a British show called Ladette to Lady, the show will take a group of 15 hard-partying young women and send them off to a boarding school environment where they’ll learn to become more ladylike.
“She’s the perfect candidate,” the show insider says of Dupré, the 22-year-old at the center of the Gov. Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal. The show has not yet heard back from Dupré with any reaction to the offer.

Only in America can a hooker that caused the demise of a powerful political figure become a reality TV star. Somewhere in the afterlife, Ben Franklin is plowing a chick in a Viking helmet with tears in his eyes. Our little country is everything he dreamed it could be - which almost makes up for the lack of gravy in heaven. They don’t tell you that part in the Bible. Jerks.

posted by Poolside on Mar 30

George Clooney’s girlfriend Sarah Larson looks prim and proper on the red carpet, but these pics that surfaced of her go-go dancer days in Vegas say otherwise. Taken just before she met the Clooney in July, these photos show Sarah getting her drunk on in a bikini and practically doing a guy in the middle of a dance club. I’m not saying George Clooney knows how to pick ‘em, but this is a girl you take home to mom. Then have sex with in the linen closet. Ah, sweet romance.

posted by Poolside on Mar 30

Gisele Bundchen helped launch the Vogue Eyewear Play Everyday Campaign in Ibiza, Spain. I’ve never been a big fan of Gisele. Something about her face normally suggests she used to be named Tim. That said, she is looking all kinds of sexy in these pics. In fact, I’m so sure her ass could cure cancer, I’ve sent my findings to the brain-children at Johns Hopkins.

UPDATE: This just in: Scientists at Johns Hopkins declare Gisele Bundchen’s butt is the miracle cure for cancer. Claim to have never spoken to The Superficial Writer. But do, however, have medical records that can prove he has world’s tiniest testicles, if he opens his yap. For reals, no jokes.

posted by Poolside on Mar 28

Let’s say you’re Aubrey O’Day (yellow dress) of Danity Kane. You’ve got a hit CD and a huge performance last night at Opera Nightclub in Hollywood. Who do you show up with? She figured “How do you lose with Jenna Jameson?” Makes sense in a retarded sort of way. Anyway, Aubrey was also recently hanging out with Kim Kardashian, so maybe she’s looking into adult films. If Jenna Jameson is, finally, passing the torch to Aubrey O’Day, tell the Elders of Porn they have my vote. *RAWR* Sorry, pal, I didn’t want to speak for all of us. Make that two votes - counting my wiener.

posted by Poolside on Mar 28

Kate Bosworth knows how to tackle tough scenes - with gallons upon gallons of booze. As if chasing after my own heart, Kate talked to People about how she handled her love scene with Jim Sturgess in their new movie 21:

“We were both so drunk,” the Superman Returns star said. “Jim and I became such good friends, we decided to have a couple of drinks, loosen up and go for it.”

Jim Sturgess doesn’t even remember doing the scene:

“We were on Grey Goose, I think,” said the British actor. “It was brilliant for about half and an hour. As we continued to drink … it just became sloppy and messy. I couldn’t stand up at one point.”

So, wait, getting shit-faced and falling over is technically considered acting? Damn, where’s my Oscar? I don’t remember anything since 2003. Hey, where’d this wedding band come from? And who this little kid by my desk? Somebody fetch my whiskey mug so I can sort this out. *sips* Much better. Now I can get back to what I do best: typing with my forehead. *bang bang bang* Britney’s vagina *bang bang bang* Holy crap, boobs!

And that’s the story of how The Superficial Writer does his job. The End.