Vegas Poolside Beauties

posted by Poolside on Oct 26

Christina Aguilera is expecting twins, according to a reliable source for the NY Daily News. That’s interesting. I was shocked to learn that her husband Sasquatch could mate with humans, and now I find out he not only reproduces, he multiplies. Fascinating stuff. Will Christina try to raise the kids in captivity or in the wild? Somebody needs to do an Animal Planet special on these two and record it for me. I’m too busy fighting terrorism with a knife between my teeth.

NOTE: Some might say that posting pictures of celebrity breasts isn’t really fighting terrorism. Newsflash: Terrorists hate boobs. If someone you know hates female mammary glands, report them immediately to the nearest Office of Homeland Security. I’m just going to sit here now and wait for my Congressional Medal of Honor. Man, I’ve earned it.

posted by Poolside on Oct 26

English lingerie model Danielle Lloyd braved the cold to launch the new Ski Republic website yesterday in London. Whoever devised this campaign deserves the Nobel Prize – twice. Now, that being said, I catch a lot of flack for posting pics of bleached blondes with fake breasts, but, honestly, how else do you sell ski equipment? If you’ve got a better suggestion than a chick in a bathing suit on top of a tank, I’d love to hear it.

NOTE: All submissions must be in the form of a blonde with giant boobs. Tank mandatory.

posted by Poolside on Oct 26

Jessica Biel wanted to avoid the paparazzi on her way into a yoga class yesterday. Being the master of improvisation that she is, Jessica grabbed a golf umbrella to shield herself from the photogs. Notice how it hasn’t stopped me from posting the pics? I don’t care if she’s wearing a beekeeper outfit. Someone takes a picture of Jessica Biel; I’m posting it. Now you see why I get confused for Jesus all the time.

UPDATE: A video of Jessica Biel yelling at the paparazzi to get real jobs after the jump.

posted by Poolside on Oct 26

English model/television personality Katie Price launched her new Jordan Haircare line today at Superdrug in London. I don’t think they used enough pink. I’ve somehow managed to not vomit. That being said, I’d like to thank the art director of this fantastic shoot. Now I finally know what Barbie would look like in real life – if she had epilepsy. Kudos.

posted by Poolside on Oct 26

Katie Holmes attended the German premiere of Tom Cruise’s new movie Lions for Lambs last night and, holy shit, she’s smiling. Apparently Katie didn’t take her mind control pills because she seems capable of human emotions and is wearing heels – a big no, no for Tom’s ladies. Which is understandable, because Katie looks at least 50 feet tall standing next to him. I wonder if his haircut looks even more retarded at that height. I’ll have to ask Katie. As soon as she lets go of that 747.

posted by Poolside on Oct 26

Britney Spears is planning to auction off a ton of personal items. Britney will donate the proceeds to a children’s cause that she’ll announce at a later date, according to her friend Sam Lufti. Us Weekly reports:

“It’s something Britney wanted to do to counterbalance all the rumors and negativity in the press. All she can do is be herself, love her kids and do small things like this to help people.”

I wonder what personal items Britney is selling. No, wait, that’s too obvious, it’s her kids. It’s a win/win situation. A worthy cause gets a buttload of cash and Jayden and Sean get a new home. Granted, they might get snatched up and sold on the black market. That is, if they dare to dream. Cross your fingers, little guys. When you put your minds to it, anything can happen! Wow, I’m awesome with kids. I should write for Sesame Street or something.

posted by Poolside on Oct 26

Halle Berry attended the London premiere of her new movie Things We Lost in the Fire last night and she brought out the big guns. Sure, she’s in some hot water for her anti-Semitic joke on Leno last week, but I think Halle Berry has made a generous peace offering. Or two. (Hint: I’m talking about her boobs. In case you got lost back there.)

posted by Poolside on Oct 26

Ryan Reynolds birthday was on Tuesday and his girlfriend Scarlett Johansson decided to get him a unique gift. You know, something that shows Ryan how much she loves him and will totally stab him in his sleep if he ever looks at another girl. A gossip hound for E! Online has the details:

“She’d just had her wisdom teeth removed, so she had one dipped in gold and strung on a necklace for him.”

Her wisdom tooth. Covered in gold. Wow. I bet for Christmas Scarlett Johannson will nail a dead bat to Ryan Reynold’s chest. Then cry after sex. God, she’s so perfect. Like something out of a dream. If I ever built a robot-woman to be my lifelong companion, I’d make it exactly like Scarlett Johansson. Except without the talking. Ha, why would I need that?

posted by Poolside on Oct 26

David Copperield allegedly offered two million dollars to the Seattle woman accusing him of rape if she remained silent. Coincidentally, the FBI supposedly seized two million in cash when they raided David’s Las Vegas warehouse last week. The money may have been prepped for a visit the FBI had the victim arrange with the magician. David Copperfield will neither confirm nor deny if the money was there. A friend of the victim provided the National Enquirer with an account of the alleged assault, according to the NY Daily News:

Copperfield invited the 21-year-old beauty to a “lavish party” at his remote compound in the Bahamas. But when she got there, on July 27, she discovered “there was no party - and no other guests,” according The Enquirer source.
“She got nervous and wanted to go home right away, but David convinced her to stay, saying she could leave the next day if she really wanted to,” the friend claims.
That night, Copperfield forced himself on the woman, holding her arms “down on the bed, leaving her with terrible bruises,” the friend charges.
“She told me she fought back,” the friend says. “But she said that just seemed to turn him on more.”

Afterwards, when David left the room, the woman took pictures of the scene with her cell phone:

“In order to preserve physical evidence, she says she didn’t shower. The next day, she went back home to Seattle, where her mother met her at the airport.”
“They drove straight to the Harborview Medical Center, where medical personnel performed a ‘rape kit’ on her.”

Umm, abracadabra?

posted by Poolside on Oct 26

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline attended their first Parenting Without Conflict course today. It’s the first time the two have been in the same building since meeting with attorneys back in September. TMZ reports:

The class will last a couple of hours. They will meet with a parenting coach, who will give them advice on how a divorced couple should raise their children.
The kids are not present.
Sources say Britney is actually looking forward to discussing parenting with her ex — however, after arriving at the location, Brit was distraught and bawling like a baby in the bathroom.

What could Britney be so upset about? Unless she still has feelings for Kevin. Could you imagine if these two got back together? No, wait, that’s not even funny. Somebody’s gotta stop this. Snarf, bring me the Sword of Omens! Thunder. Thunder! THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOO! *looks around* Dude, go upstairs and tell Grandma I need 4 C batteries for this thing. Dude, it’s important. I have to stop Britney and Kevin. Jesus, we’ll play Halo later. Fine. Stop crying. We’ll do what you want to do. Again. I hope they name their third kid after you.

Update: Yeah, you got me, my comments above suck. It’s impossible to even suggest that I live in my mom’s basement. Everybody knows I reside in a private castle where I eat raw steaks, bathe in gold and hunt wild boars - with a grenade launcher.